Will Miss #470 - respect for older people (conditionally)

If I allowed comments, I'm sure I'd get a torrent of people talking about how the Japanese no longer surrender their seats to old people on trains and that the old style traditional respect has been vanishing. This would be true. However, in general, the Japanese still show more respect for the older members of their society than Americans as well as have more regard for those who are simply older than themselves. This is something I've been witnessing firsthand here and did so similarly there. On a family basis in particular, Japanese people seem to spend more time with and have closer relationships with their older relatives. They generally visit more often and have more meaningful contact and regard their older relatives as people of value. This is due in large part to Confucianism, which forms a big part of the backbone of relationships in Japanese culture. In the U.S., many young people after exiting the innocence of childhood have little interest in anyone older than them and live life as if aging translates into becoming boring at best, and, at worst, older folks are often viewed as either a resource to tap, or a burden to tolerate.

On an individual basis (as opposed to a society-wide issue), the Japanese still show a good deal more respect for the elderly and regard for people who are older than them than those in America and I miss that.

*Note that while I'm making this post based purely on my subjective experience in Japan, a study conducted between Americans and Koreans in regards to respect for the elderly showed that the only point on which Americans showed more regard for older folks than Koreans was in physical contact upon greeting (e.g., hugging) and this is likely a cultural difference as Americans touch more than many Asian cultures. Koreans are actually more respectful of the elderly than Japanese, but the study I read indicated that Americans are very low in their actions that show regard for the elderly in terms of nearly all other points (language, physical and verbal care, respecting or heeding advice, etc.). 

Won't Miss #416 - free-range children

As I mentioned in the previous post, kids in Japan can run around by themselves and there are few cases in which it ends in tragedy. At this point in time, there just isn't much risk that kids will be abducted (fortunately). However, it is very common for parents to take their children's safety for granted, particularly when they are with them. I've seen uncountable numbers of parents with children who are just past toddling age who allow their kids to run far out ahead of them, including approaching streets through which cars are passing. It's also not uncommon for parents to allow their kids to clumsily run around on train platforms as they chat or play around with their cell phones.

Perhaps I'm just paranoid as a non-parent, but it seems that Japanese parents worry little about where their kids run around in public and I won't miss thinking that they take their safety for granted or rely on strangers to keep an eye on their kids.

Will Miss #388 - husband thanking

This is actually a thank you sign at a rikshaw ride, but it's the only picture I have with the words "thank you" on it in English.

There's a custom/habit in Japan which sometimes receives a little flak from more feminist-oriented types, and no small resistance from at least a handful of the foreign wives of Japanese men. This custom is one in which wives thank their husbands for going to the office and earning money to support the family. The problem with this custom through Western eyes is that it comes across as the woman thanking her "master" of a husband for his contribution, while hers may go unrecognized. I don't know how it tends to work in each individual family, but I do think that it is a good custom in general. My husband is American, and I often express gratitude to him for working while I work part-time and do the housework, and he also thanks me for all I do to make life better for both of us.

I think that recognizing that a particular contribution is of value increases the chance that both parties will understand each other's contributions and that there is nothing subservient or anti-feminist about thanking the breadwinner for subjecting himself (or herself) to the daily grind while the other party looks after the home front, and I'll miss that.

Will Miss #341 - living far from family (the good)

Most people have complicated relationships with their families. In my case, that is even more so than many others. My relationship with my mother is especially bad, and the truth is that we haven't spoken in over 15 years, though we are each informed about each other through my sister who lives with my parents and who I am in almost daily contact with. This hasn't happened because of any sort of falling out, and if I needed help, I could go back home without any ifs, ands or buts. The silence between us is because living all the way over here means I have very little to offer her and she doesn't care about my life if there's nothing in it for her. You'd be surprised how many families take little to no interest in the lives of their family members abroad. It's a common complaint amongst women who marry Japanese men and I've read many tales of disappointment in "gaijin wife" blogs. Our families live in their own "bubble" and our lack of interaction with them means our respective spheres of existence overlap too little for them to relate to us in many cases. I don't say this to be critical, but merely as a reflection of the reality of the situation.

This isn't a confessional about the hardship of my upbringing or problems with various relatives because that'd take a whole blog all by itself, but let's say that one thing I will miss is the gigantic buffer zone between me and people who may expect certain things of me while expecting less of themselves.

Won't Miss #341 - living far from family (the bad)

I once had a discussion with a student in which I taught her the word "fallback". She was talking about how being married with a working spouse allows the other party to take career risks because there was one stable income to rely upon. Our talk was about how vulnerable single folks can be economically as compared to married ones. However, I reminded her that she had a fallback in case of economic hardship in that she had her family. If her world suddenly fell apart, she could live with them (and indeed had done so up until two years ago when she moved out of her own volition to experience independence). One of the things about being a foreigner in Japan is that you don't have any fallbacks. Many people who think we live an awesome life of overpaid ease and adventure don't realize that most of us remain here without a net. If the chips fall, no one will be there to help us pick them up. The impact of this is that small blips in the stability of your life can feel like large upheavals because you have nowhere to go and no one to turn to if things take a turn toward the worst. Indeed, I think this was part of the psychology that fueled a lot of the foreigner flight from Japan after the big earthquake on March 13, 2011.

I won't miss knowing that in cases of medical, financial, logistical, psychological, or disaster-induced hardship, my husband and I have no fallbacks because the kind of people who we can ask for such support are half a world away.

Won't Miss #299 - missing sisters

Part of my freelance work is doing English telephone testing. One of the questions I ask in order to elicit as much speaking as possible from my subjects is, "tell me about your family." In 90% of cases, if someone has a sister who is already married, they won't even mention her existence unless I specifically ask "do you have a sister?" In the other 10% of cases, they'll say, "I have a sister, but she's already married," in a manner which makes me feel that she is no longer a concern for the family (or a burden that has been dispensed with). My discomfort from this is very ethnocentric, and the omission of a married sister relates to the way in which a "family" is defined in Japan. When a person marries, they are either added to their spouses family registry or their spouse is added to theirs. It's as if their blood tie is abolished by marriage and it's generally (but not always) the case that women are added to their husband's families.

I won't miss the way sisters are regarded as if they are no longer a part of the family after they marry.

Will Miss #223 - modesty about children

One of my students was looking for some English blogs to read to gain experience with "real" English. I chose a blog written by a foreign woman married to a Japanese man who who is currently living in Japan. I made this choice so she could relate to the experiences and perhaps understand the subjects being discussed more easily. When she looked at the blog, she was shocked by the way the woman had pictures of her children plastered all over it. She found it boastful and immodest and said that a Japanese mother, generally speaking, wouldn't be so over the top in promoting her children. I have noticed in my many years in Japan, that Japanese people don't bore people by going on and on about their kids. This is part of a culture which values modesty, but also I've noticed that Japanese people tend to be more sensitive to the interests of the person who is being spoken to. If you're not a parent, they are aware of the fact that you may not be enthralled listening to how wonderful potty training has been going.

I will miss this sort of modesty and restraint when it comes to parents and talking about their children.

Will Miss #163 - extended family concept

In the U.S., there is a negative stereotype associated with being an adult child who lives with his parents. In Japan, that's simply the norm for many people. The family here isn't parents and children. It's often parents, children, and grandparents. This concept means that elderly parents are cared for by their kids until such time as their medical needs exceed the families ability to care for them. During the years when grandchildren are growing up, the grandparents often act as extra caregivers and babysitters. It lessens the burden on parents during the hardest years of child-rearing. I realize that living with in-laws is hard at times, but the very idea that family will remain together changes the way in which people approach their relationships and makes them emphasize getting along and understanding one another as well as possible.

I think this concept is more humane and natural than the Western concept which is based on the earliest possible independence and later isolation in life, and I'll miss it.

Will Miss #105 - strong sense that kids are wanted

In Japan, I have never had the sense that parents want nothing more than for their kids to grow up and get out of the house so they can get on with their lives. Many American parents seem to have a lot of ambivalence about their children and the way in which having them takes away their freedom personally and economically. While I'm sure some Japanese parents feel this way, too, as a society, I don't get a strong sense of this the same way I get it from the West. In Japan, it certainly seems that children are completely wanted and seen as more important than the needs or desires of the parents.

I'll miss this sense that people who have children actually want them and see them as fully integrated members of the family forever rather than someone to be pushed out of the nest at the earliest possible chance.