Won't Miss 502# - the sense that it's not real

Since coming home to America, I've had the most unsettling sense that my life in Japan was all some sort of fantasy. It's as if life there wasn't "real" in some way and that I'm picking up on "reality" now that I'm back. I don't know if other people who have lived in Japan and come back feel this way, but this sense hit me shortly after I stepped off the plane in America. It's as if I lived on the other side of the looking glass for a time and am now back in reality.

My husband recently said that we have "re-joined the real world", and that really is what coming home has felt like. I won't miss the sense that being in Japan was somehow outside of reality because I wasn't a part of the societal, social, or family structures there.

Won't Miss #383 - okonomiyaki

In theory, I should love okonomiyaki. Well, I should love it as much as you can love a food that looks like someone hurled the contents of their dinner onto a grill. For a society so obsessed with the appearance of food, it's surprising that this "Japanese savory pancake" is so popular. Okonomiyaki is a food that is prepared "as you like it", so you can customize the composition. Unfortunately my first experience with this particular dish was one of those typical negative experiences that foreigners have in Japan. I was in Japan visiting my then-boyfriend (now husband) and one of his students wanted to go for a meal with us. She arranged a time and date and met us at an okonomiyaki place. She chose the cuisine without consulting us about our tastes, but we were both relatively new to Japan and figured we'd go with the flow. All proceeded as planned except she showed up with 4 friends who didn't speak English and they proceeded to giggle and carry on in Japanese 95% of the time. She essentially wanted to show off having gaijin "friends" to her Japanese friends and ambushed us with a crowd of people who thought we were entertainment to accompany their meal, not actual human beings with whom they had to behave graciously. 

I didn't care for the (too fishy) okonomiyaki that I had during that titter-fest and though I'm sure that I could custom order a version I'd enjoy, I will forever associate it with an early experience with extremely rude behavior that showed some of the worst Japanese people can sometimes offer foreign visitors. 

Will Miss #363 - realizing where I am

Most of the time, I go about my business in life like everyone else. This is often a part of the sleepwalking through life that we all do as we perform routine behaviors. When you first come in Japan, the "oh wow" factor tends to dominate as the novelty of all the little differences make you think normal things are awesome because they are 10% different and have Japanese writing all over them. For most people who aren't raging Japanophiles, this wears off sooner or later (generally sooner) and your awesome loaf of bread with the dumb message about "for your happy bakery life" and the cute anime-style mascot is something that fails to impress you and is just another item in your shopping basket.

Occasionally, I'm walking around Tokyo and something about it will strike me in just the right way. Usually, it's the glittering of the metropolis during a pensive moment. At those times, I remember that I was born in a rural Western Pennsylvania town with fewer 2000 people, few jobs, lots of farms, and little else, and now I live in one of the most glamorous and interesting places in the world. I realize where I've come from and where I am and how that says something about just how far I've come. I'll miss those moments of grand realization, which I can't imagine having in any other city in the world the way I have them here.

Will Miss #260 - my dentist(s)

Best dentists (and hygienists), ever.

I can't speak to the quality of dental care everywhere in Japan, and I have mentioned before that it is irritating having to get treatment in multiple stages due to the way in which the national health insurance works. However, I have had nothing but the best dental care in Japan. This is in stark contrast to the horrific experiences I had in America with dentists who incredibly painfully pulled my adult molars when I was a preteen rather than fill cavities (leaving me with gaping holes in my bite on either side of my lower jaw). I've had my teeth drilled, filled, and cleaned by two different dentists in Japan (both Japanese, but they speak English well) and my husband has also had oral surgery as well as routine care from them. Both of us have had no pain at all and have been treated with respect and given good explanations of our situation. The environment we're treated in is modern and comfortable.

I will miss the dentists who have done such an excellent job over the more than two decades I've been here.

Won't Miss #246 - need for extreme AM quiet

Sometimes I wake up really early and can't go back to sleep. No big deal, right? It happens to everyone. Well, when you live in an apartment which is the total size of most Western living rooms and separated by doors which are the equivalent of cardboard when it comes to sound insulation, you can't do anything for fear of waking the other inhabitants of your home and forcing them to face the same sleep deprivation you are dreading. Hungry? Can't make breakfast. Want some much needed caffeine? Can't make coffee or tea. Want to get dressed and go for an early walk? Can't get clothes out of the dresser (or open and close the front door). Television? No way! I can't even turn on the light because it can seep through the cracks in the doors and possibly wake my husband up. Sometimes I just sit at my computer listening to the clock tick until my husband wakes up thinking about how I'll be glad when he does so that I can actually do something other than focus on how crappy I feel in my sleep-deprive state.

I won't miss having to be still and quiet when I wake up earlier than my husband because my apartment is the size of a shoebox and has walls with the insulation properties of a matzo.

Won't Miss #197 - condoms that are too small

There is an effort among some foreign women married to Japanese men to dispel what they believe is the "myth" that Japanese men have smaller penises than foreign men based on their (statistically insignificant) personal experiences. I have no interest in myths, but I do know some facts. The fact of the matter is that penis size in a given population relates not to the size of the men, but the size of the women. No doubt, this is part of the cleverness of evolution. If it didn't fit, the DNA didn't get passed on. If the average size of the women is smaller, the penis size of the men is smaller. You can reach your own conclusions based on the size of Japanese women and you can debate to your heart's content as to whether size even matters. Personally, it's of no consequence to me (since I'm married to an American) except when it comes to the size of the available condoms in Japan. Japanese condoms are too tight for many foreign men because they are sized for the average Japanese penis. Sure, they can stretch enough to do the job, but they're not comfortable and don't feel right.

I won't miss having to deal with the hassle of buying imported condoms because the Japanese ones are too small.

Won't Miss #156 - Japanese deodorant

Body chemistry does differ based on your biological history, and many Japanese people either do not use deodorant or don't need it. My husband is not Japanese (or of Asian descent) and he also does not need deodorant, so some Europeans also do not require it. Some people are just lucky, but not me...and not some Japanese people who really need it but seem clueless. One of the things I learned quickly is that the market for deodorant is too small for a lot of variety or low prices. You can buy tiny sticks or small cans of spray for high prices. Easily, deodorant in Japan is twice the price for half the quantity that I can buy back home, and it's not always easy to find. I've bought deodorant through import services since coming to Japan to avoid paying $5-$8 for a small amount.

I won't miss having to either fork out a lot of money or special order something as mundane as deodorant.

Won't Miss #120 - paper doors

My doors on a rainy day.

Doors in most places are covered with paper. I'm not even talking about shoji, the well-known doors that look like window frameworks with paper. Regular doors are hollow wood or flimsy aluminum or wood frameworks with paper on them. The paper looks nice when it is very new, but you can't clean it and it gets wrinkled when it is humid. If you move to a different place and the paper on the doors in your old apartment gets damaged or soiled in anyway (which is very easy to do), you will see some of your cleaning deposit money vanish.

I won't miss these cheap doors which are not washable, are flimsy, and appear to be designed to force you to surrender part of your cleaning deposit.

Won't Miss #111 - my tiny apartment (the not so good)

(click this small image to see one which is a more legible size)

While everything I say in the previous post about loving my apartment is true, and I will leave it with some regret, there are things I won't miss. For one, this small space has seen more stubbed, scraped and banged up toes than I can count. Even after years of learning not to take long strides, I still bash body parts on furniture and walls. Finally, though I'm generally happy with the space, when the rooms are closed off for long periods of time (again, to save on air conditioning the whole place unnecessarily), it starts to feel claustrophobic.

I won't miss these bad aspects of my small place.

Will Miss #110 - my tiny apartment (the good)

(This is an old picture, but I'm too lazy to take a new one.)

I've lived in the same apartment during my entire 20 years in Japan. It's showing its age in the smog-coated walls, crumbling Japanese wall coverings, and aging bathroom tile. I still love it though. I love the way the space is laid out so that it feels bigger than its 250 sq. feet size and how I've gotten it "just so" with the furniture arrangment. I love the fact that the small size means it's more economical for heating and cooling (particularly since the tiny rooms can be closed off with sliding doors for individual air conditioner coverage). I feel good in the space, and I feel good about having such a tiny footprint that I know I'm not hurting the environment for the sake of unnecessary spacious luxury.

I'll miss this space that has been my home for so long, and how it feels like just about the minimum necessary for my husband and I.

Will Miss #90 - just the two of us

My husband and I have a wildly successful marriage. We're happier being with each other than anyone else and are content to stay home and share each others company. What does this have to do with Japan? I'm convinced that some part of the success of our marriage is rooted in the isolation of living as a foreign couple here (we're both American). We're free of the mitigating factors which can cause turmoil and difficulty in a relationship like in-laws or friendship conflicts.

I will miss the protective cocoon that our relationship has grown strong in and the lack of complications that come from having few demands from outside forces on our relationship.

Won't Miss #86 - too low sink and counters

Japanese sinks, counters, and the gas tables which sit on them seem to be designed with much shorter people in mind. My husband is of the opinion that they are designed only with the height of Japanese women in mind rather than the average height of both men and women. I'm not a particularly tall woman, but the sink is easily 6 inches too low for comfortably washing dishes without lower back strain from slouching.

I won't miss having to sit on a stool in front of the sink to wash dishes because the space has been designed for someone much shorter than I.

Won't Miss #84 - futon

A lot of people swear by the comfort of a futon, but I'm the sort who is more likely to swear at a futon. During my first visit to Japan, I spent a month in my then boyfriend's apartment sleeping on a futon and it was not a pleasure. Sure, I could manage, but I wouldn't call sleeping on a mat full of cotton batting comfortable. They're also a pain in the ass to maintain as they have to be beaten and aired out regularly or they get (more) lumpy and infested with dust mites from the tatami they lie on. The main reason that futon became so popular in Japan was that it was bedding that could be hidden away. These days, the majority of Japanese people who have the space for a bed use beds and not futon. I also bought a bed and am happy to have done so.

I won't miss futons.

Will Miss #82 - being able to hang out laundry

I've heard in America that some neighborhoods won't allow people to hang their clothes out to dry because of concerns that it'll look bad or lower the image of the neighborhood. Much as I hate having to hang out my laundry, I'm happy to be able to without a bunch of neighborhood busybodies getting their undies in a bunch over it spoiling the view. With current energy and environmental concerns, hanging the clothes out to dry when you can makes a lot of sense. If I had the space and the weather (which I don't exactly have in Tokyo), I'd be happy to do it all of the time.

I'll miss living in a place where the cultural norm is the environmentally best thing to do when it comes to dealing with drying clothes.

Won't Miss #82 - needing to hang out laundry

Few homes in Tokyo have clothes dryers so you have to hang out your clothes to dry. Even those that have dryers find that Japanese dryers use low temperatures and take hours to dry clothes. I know because I used to have one and it was almost useless. I've been told that they use low temperatures to stop clothes from shrinking. At any rate, nearly everyone hangs out their clothes because this is the only real solution unless you want to lug your clothes to a laundromat and use their expensive industrial-size dryers. The main problem with having to hang out clothes is that the weather is so unpredictable that they can be rained on at any given time and the balconies that shield them from rain are generally useless. Those same verandas are also pretty small for the most part so you have to do laundry every day or every other day to keep on top of it.

I won't miss trying to outrun the weather and deal with the small capacity of my balcony to dry my clothes.

Won't Miss #80 - being offered green cards

Because I'm using the internet from I.P. addresses which are recognized as being in Japan, I'm constantly getting advertising for green cards in America or sites telling me that I can become an American citizen.

I won't miss these constant (and almost certainly shady) offers to become a citizen of a country of which I'm already a citizen.

Won't Miss #78 - having my Japanese mocked

The other day, I said "konnichiwa" (good day) to some people in the neighborhood as I was walking to a local shop and they said it back, but then just after my back was to them, they very loudly made fun of the way I said it. The care which they took to make sure they mocked me within earshot made it clear they wanted me to be embarrassed. Between the foreigners who correct my Japanese and the Japanese who don't understand it or laugh at it, I am consistently discouraged not to even bother to try tospeak Japanese.

I won't miss having my best efforts to speak the language made fun of.

Will Miss #76 - custom "cards"

When I receive a card for any type of occasion in Japan, at least half of the time (if not more), the card is something custom or customized. It's very common, for instance, for Japanese people to write on a fan or to write on a large square of cardboard. Often, doodles or drawings will be added to a conventional greeting card or the aforementioned cardboard squares.

These cards feel more special and thoughtful than the standard Western greeting card, and I'll miss receiving them.

Will Miss #74 - being a working housewife

In the U.S., my husband and I were hard-pressed to afford our own apartment on our combined incomes at full-time jobs (granted, we lived in silicon valley in California). In Japan, we've been able to do fine by having one of us work part-time and the other work full-time throughout most of our stay, and this is despite the fact that we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. He spent some years as a househusband and I have spent some years as a housewife. Japan is still a place where a family can usually get by on one income, or one full and one part-time. Back home, we're not expecting to have this sort of option.

I'll miss the lifestyle we enjoy here in regards to dealing with household responsibilities with relative ease.

Will Miss #65 - cheap, excellent internet access

When I first came to Japan, it was quite a bit behind the curve on internet access. It was a few years behind American on basic dial-up and ISDN. At some point in time, Japan went into high gear on getting the infrastructure in place and now access is faster, cheaper, and better than in the United States. Upgrades also appear to come along more often and be of a greater order of magnitude.

I'm going to miss my cheap, high speed, largely reliable internet connection.